And then... there is God!

OK, So this is the hardest post ever... but here is my story. I guess it started Tuesday morning, April 14Th. It was a regular day. I went to PWOC like any other Tuesday. My dear friend Nicole Davies gave the devotion. She spoke about fear. She spoke from her heart, and it was obvious that God had inspired her devotion. She asked us to think of our worst fears and then to imagine what if.... What if that fear happened? I guess I was naive, or maybe it was that I was past the first trimester, I thought I was feeling movement all the time, or that my belly was HUGE! But, losing the baby was not even in my top five.

Wednesday morning, the boys and I were so excited! By the end of the day we would know if we were having a baby brother or sister. Everyone knew that I was going in for an Ultrasound, and everyone was waiting for the call, FB, or post to know too. I drank all the water and went in as soon as I dropped the kids at school. I knew something was wrong when the tech told me to go to the bathroom and he would get the radiologist. They wouldn't do that in the middle of an US unless there was a problem. Suddenly, my worst fears had changed. But all I could think of was ..."And then ...there is God." I guess sometimes God sends people to prepare us for stuff even when we have no idea of the future! Thank you Nicole for listening to His commands and sharing that Tuesday morning.

I immediately began to pray that everything would be alright with the baby, then I remembered that it is all in God's hands. I placed the near future in the hands of my Savior! I (somewhat reluctantly, I must admit) prayed that His will be done. Unfortunately, it was already in place. The baby was only measuring at 16 weeks instead of 20 and there was no heart activity.

I made it out to the parking lot to call Alicia who immediately prayed with me. Then to the car to break down! I sat in the car and, as he was directed earlier that morning, Jerome called for what he thought was the "good news". Of course, he was in complete shock as well. He told me to go home and he would call Elesha to meet me there. I'm not sure of the exact conversation, but I know he scared her to death. She did not know what was going on when she got to my house, but she was AWESOME! She stayed with me the whole time, and went back to the doc with me that afternoon.

That is another "God Thing". Just this week she was placed on workers comp and has been completely free to help out whenever necessary. I hate that things in her work life are not great right now, but God knew the timing was right! I can not say thank you enough to her for sticking with me.

At noon we went back to the doctor and even more bad news. The baby is too big for surgery. It is possible, but not recommended for my safety. I would have to be induced and deliver my precious baby. I could have waited a day or so to go back to the hospital, but I just could not imagine going home and just waiting. I planned to go home and tell the kids then go back to the hospital for what could be hours or days.

Thanks so much to another AWESOME friend! Monica kept Jadyn and then later the boys on top of cleaning my house! She and Elesha whipped it into shape in no time. Isn't it always that when your house is the most messy that something happens! Monica was sweeping, mopping, and washing dishes when I got home. She and Elesha even did MASSIVE loads of laundry!

The boys were so upset. Both dealt with it in their own way. Justin is full of emotion and wanted to be alone. Jared was a bit more blunt, and told my neighbor that the baby died. I was so concerned about how they would take the news. It took me a few hours to build up the strength to tell them. They did take it hard, but Jared was excited about getting to have a sleepover in the middle of the week, and of course DADDY is coming HOME!

I had a few friends who have dealt with the same thing try and explain what to expect at the hospital. I was prepared for a long difficult process. I had been induced with Justin and tried to prepare myself for the painful labor. Elesha and Andrea kept me company, and often laughing with stories of treadmills gone awry and poop he he he. Four hours in, and I was feeling a few cramps, but nothing bad. My cervix had started to thin, but that was it. I could have any pain medicine that I wanted, and even though I didn't really need it, I took something to help take the edge off the cramps so I could sleep. I just knew that it was going to get bad, and I wanted to rest. But again, God was faithful! After just four more hours I had delivered with almost no pain at all!

James Grady was born at 3:05 am. He weighed 2.2 ounces. He was so beautiful. His little body fit in the palm of my hand. It really was amazing! He had every feature of a newborn, just barbie doll sized. You could even see fingerprints! What was even more amazing to me was the peace that I felt when he was born. I knew that he was in the hands of God, and that Jesus had His hands on me and somewhere in the world Jerome too. Yes, I was full of sorrow, and still am. But, I know that I will see my baby boy again one day. He is up there in heaven with his other brother or sister waiting for us to join them one day. My mom said that PawPaw is bouncing two babies on his lap, and that is the image I think I like!

I was able to come home later that morning, and my mom came into town that night. I guess our Alaska Air Visa did pay off after all. My brother came in the next day, and Jerome finally made it in on Saturday. He gets to stay for two weeks, and will still get to use his two weeks R&R later in the year.

I was able to get pictures of Baby James, and the hospital gave us a beautiful box with the blanket and other stuff from that day. Also I got a certificate with his tiny hands and feet prints. I let the kids look at the pictures and the stuff in the box. I think it really helped them to understand more. They seem to be doing much better since seeing the box. They know that Baby James is in heaven.

Jadyn came to me later that first night and was explaining that her "baby brother is with God... I was with God, but now I'm with you and Baby James is gonna be with God and I'm going to stay with you momma." It was as if she remembers being in heaven with God before coming here to be with us. She was trying to comfort me in her own way. It worked! "...and then there is God!"

I so wish that I could have waited for Jerome to be with me in the hospital. Emotionally I don't think I could have waited those extra three days. But I know it was hard for him to be on a plane so far away. I wish he could have had the opportunity to see his baby boy in person as well. Pray that God will give him the peace that I was able to experience that early morning, and that God will continue to show me peace each day as I deal with going back to normal life.

I can not begin to say how wonderful everyone has been through this all. We have had food, washed clothes, flowers, flowers, and more flowers delivered and it is still coming! God has truly blessed us with Christian friends in this place! I have always loved that song "Held" by Natalie Grant . This is what it feels like to be HELD by GOD! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Two months is too little They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held